ABC Day 10

So today was better than I had thought it would be. Once you binge, it's really easy to just continue to do so and say fuck it. I struggled with that today but thank god, I didn't give in. ABC Day 10 was supposed to be a fast however, I did not fast today. I had about 300 to 350 cals which isn't that bad really. I was really scared to eat anything today because I was getting occasional stomache cramping from the laxatives I took lastnight and didn't want to make them any worse. I've really, really, REALLY been craving sushi the past 4 days but I am going to wait until I hit my 3rd GW and then treat myself  =)

I was sitting here today thinking about my progress so far and how far I have to go yet. But I realized that I am 6lbs away from the 160's, which is the something I haven't weighed in over 3 years!! So I am stoked! Then after that, the 150's?! I cannot frickin wait!! I can already tell a difference so I can only imagine how I will feel once Im down another 15lbs. Last June I was 191 lbs! So I am hoping by this June which is about 70 days from today, I will atleast be down into the 140's =) And then the 130s!! OMG I cant freaking wait!!!!! lol!!

Back to Bones

Phew. So lastnight was a rough one! Took 2 laxies early yesterday afternoon. Worried 2 weren't going to work, I took a 3rd lastnight. Well, it worked alright. I woke up at around 3 am with a serious grumbly in my tumbly lol. Because I take methadone, I am also really constipated. I've actually been to the hospital 5 times now over it and the excruciating stomache cramps that come along every few months when my digestive tract has had enough! The doctor had lovely way of putting it...."Wow, you are really packed there girl." Packed? No shit! (no pun intended ofcourse) So, ofcourse taking laxitives, for me, turned into an alllll night long event. All night, running back and forth between the cold hard bathroom where my stomache commanded me to be and the soft warm solace of my bed, where my body urned to sleep away the terrible cramping in between the "sessions" lol. HORRIBLE! Now I remember why I havent taken those damn things in almost 5 years! lol! Howeverrrr, I did loose weight from this whole, um, excursion. Nothing big. Nothing impressive. But atleast I am back down to 176.6, the weight I was when I decided to stuff my gullet with stromboli the other day.

Thankfully, the cramping has ceased but the fear of them returning is what is keeping me strong today.

I will give an update a little later. I'm gonna go watch some tv or something. <3 Stay Strong Loves <3

Everyone has bad days, right?

So yesterday ended up going to complete SHIT! Instead of being a good little girl and going to the gym, I ended up having a completely planned binge!! UGH! So now I feel like total shit about myself. I am bloated as hell. Also, being on methadone, I am constantly constipated. Gross, I know, but hey this is my blog afterall lol. So I went out and got some laxatives today. I'm also thinking of doing an enema. Grossness again, sorry haha. I just feel some frickin fat and bloated!! Haven't eaten anything so far today. i still feel so full from yesterdays binge. UGH!

I'm kinda in a hurry so this is going to be short, again. My dear little betta fish has dropsy so I am leaving ina few minutes to go get her some meds. Hope she doesn't die =/ I may or may not go to the gym today. Probably not if I take the laxies.

The Devil Inside

ABC Day 8 Week 2

Stopped by the gym yesterday for a bit before they closed. Did some weight training on my legs. Hip abduction and adduction I believe is what is was called. Also did the Stepper (idk what it's called) for 30 minutes. Burnt 245 cals and went a little over 2 miles. I could have done more but they were closing. I have to get a shower and figure out what I am going to wear then I am off to the gym again =) I really hate running into people I know there. It's embarassing.

I ate more than I should have yesterday. The progressive soup which I posted about but then I also ate a 100 cal fruit and cottage cheese pack before going to the gym. I was trying to get rid of the light headedness. Then later on at night I ate some roasted broccoli with fresh garlic, sea salt, evo and italian seasoning. I love my veggies like that. The broccoli raw weighed about 2lbs and my boyfriend and I split it. I know a normal person would not feel guilty about eating that but I did and still do. I didn't gain from it but I also did not loose anything since yesterday either =/ So I am hoping that by going to the gym and not eating much today I will hit my 2nd GW by tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!

How is everyone else doing? Am I the only one still doing the ABC =/

Thinspire Me Baby

ABC Day 7 & Minus 3 lbs!

Quick post before I head off to the gym. Weighed myself today and I've lost 3 more lbs!! Which brings my current weight to  177 =) Still high as hell but I am 2 lbs away from my 2nd GW! My BMI is also now down into the overweight range instead of obese. Progress, progress, progess! However, slow it may be =) Ate some Progressive soup which was 200 cals for the whole can but I only ate (not hate as i accidentially wrote earlier lol) the carrots and celery and some broth and gave the rest to my boyfriend lol. So 65 cals maybe? Idk. I just wanted enough to keep my from being light headed and possibly passing out at the gym. I am so scared of that! I'd be so freakin embarassed!!

Running On Empty but Still Going Strong

ABC Day 6

So I never gave an update yesteday because my medicine throws me for a loop on Fridays lol. I did however manage to got to the gym as planned. I dont know if it's from taking the full dose of methadone yesterday, getting barely any calories (energy) for the past 6 days, from bicycling 11 miles and running a mile yesterday, or all of the above but today I feel like SHIT!!! I feel weak as hell. I can barely lift my arms, I am light headed and I can barely stand up! I ate one scrambled egg today and had some coffee but I am still feeling very fatigued.

I weighed in at 179.4 today which is fucking frustrating! i just want to stuff my face with a whoel tub of chocolate ice cream and then bring it all back up but I DO NOT want to resort to that! I can't. Maybe once I have  hit my 2nd or 3rd goal weight I will reward myself with a bp (how sick is that? lol) but not now. I haven't made enough progess to slip back into my binge eating habits. That is what got me to this disgustingly high weight in the first place!!

I had planned to go to the gym again today but my body just won't allow it. I am affraid of passing out at the gym which would be be really embarassing! Hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to it. Not sure what else to say exceot for I feel like death.

Hope the rest of you are having a better day than I am haha

Gyms and Drugs

Just got home from running around. On Fridays I go to the methadone clinic to get my take homes for the week. Methadone is a medicine given to opiate addicted people to help them first a) get clean and sober and b) provide long term medicinal maintenance for long term sobriety. So with that being said, it goes without saying that I used to be a heroin addict. (Thanks to my obsession with the 90's heroin chic craze made famous by the likes of Miss Kate Moss, my masochistic need to punish myself and my very unhealthy obsession with complete self destruction.)

But that's a very long and entirely different story worthy of it's very own post. Which I will probably do later tonight. So long story short, at the age of 15 and when I was my full blown grips of Anorexia, I started to do heroin with the intention of it helping me loose more weight. BAD IDEA! lol.

Just another example of how my eating disorder has totally corrupted my life and lead me down the path of total self destruction. Thankfully, I have been sober now for almost 5 years! =) Now if only I could have a healthy relationship with food, I'd be set!

But anyways, after going to the clinic I stopped at Planet Fitness to re-start my membership. I am stoked! After finishing up this post I am going to hop in the shower and then head off to the gym for a much needed workout! =)

Today is day 5 of the ABC Diet and I am only alotted 100 calories today. So far all I have had is one crystal lite - 5 cals and a few tiny shreds of skinless chicken breast because I started dry heaving and puking after taking my vitamins on an empty stomache lol. So I'm guessing it was only about 20 cals worth, if that.

I will update later tonight on my day and tell the story of how I ended up being a full blown heroin addict and also, luckily, my road to recovery =)

Have a great day everyone! Stay Strong! I love you guys! And even if you don't realize it, each and everyone of you give me such strength and inspiration =)

Thank you for that  ♥