The Devil Inside

ABC Day 8 Week 2

Stopped by the gym yesterday for a bit before they closed. Did some weight training on my legs. Hip abduction and adduction I believe is what is was called. Also did the Stepper (idk what it's called) for 30 minutes. Burnt 245 cals and went a little over 2 miles. I could have done more but they were closing. I have to get a shower and figure out what I am going to wear then I am off to the gym again =) I really hate running into people I know there. It's embarassing.

I ate more than I should have yesterday. The progressive soup which I posted about but then I also ate a 100 cal fruit and cottage cheese pack before going to the gym. I was trying to get rid of the light headedness. Then later on at night I ate some roasted broccoli with fresh garlic, sea salt, evo and italian seasoning. I love my veggies like that. The broccoli raw weighed about 2lbs and my boyfriend and I split it. I know a normal person would not feel guilty about eating that but I did and still do. I didn't gain from it but I also did not loose anything since yesterday either =/ So I am hoping that by going to the gym and not eating much today I will hit my 2nd GW by tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!

How is everyone else doing? Am I the only one still doing the ABC =/

Thinspire Me Baby

ABC Day 7 & Minus 3 lbs!

Quick post before I head off to the gym. Weighed myself today and I've lost 3 more lbs!! Which brings my current weight to  177 =) Still high as hell but I am 2 lbs away from my 2nd GW! My BMI is also now down into the overweight range instead of obese. Progress, progress, progess! However, slow it may be =) Ate some Progressive soup which was 200 cals for the whole can but I only ate (not hate as i accidentially wrote earlier lol) the carrots and celery and some broth and gave the rest to my boyfriend lol. So 65 cals maybe? Idk. I just wanted enough to keep my from being light headed and possibly passing out at the gym. I am so scared of that! I'd be so freakin embarassed!!

Running On Empty but Still Going Strong

ABC Day 6

So I never gave an update yesteday because my medicine throws me for a loop on Fridays lol. I did however manage to got to the gym as planned. I dont know if it's from taking the full dose of methadone yesterday, getting barely any calories (energy) for the past 6 days, from bicycling 11 miles and running a mile yesterday, or all of the above but today I feel like SHIT!!! I feel weak as hell. I can barely lift my arms, I am light headed and I can barely stand up! I ate one scrambled egg today and had some coffee but I am still feeling very fatigued.

I weighed in at 179.4 today which is fucking frustrating! i just want to stuff my face with a whoel tub of chocolate ice cream and then bring it all back up but I DO NOT want to resort to that! I can't. Maybe once I have  hit my 2nd or 3rd goal weight I will reward myself with a bp (how sick is that? lol) but not now. I haven't made enough progess to slip back into my binge eating habits. That is what got me to this disgustingly high weight in the first place!!

I had planned to go to the gym again today but my body just won't allow it. I am affraid of passing out at the gym which would be be really embarassing! Hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to it. Not sure what else to say exceot for I feel like death.

Hope the rest of you are having a better day than I am haha

Gyms and Drugs

Just got home from running around. On Fridays I go to the methadone clinic to get my take homes for the week. Methadone is a medicine given to opiate addicted people to help them first a) get clean and sober and b) provide long term medicinal maintenance for long term sobriety. So with that being said, it goes without saying that I used to be a heroin addict. (Thanks to my obsession with the 90's heroin chic craze made famous by the likes of Miss Kate Moss, my masochistic need to punish myself and my very unhealthy obsession with complete self destruction.)

But that's a very long and entirely different story worthy of it's very own post. Which I will probably do later tonight. So long story short, at the age of 15 and when I was my full blown grips of Anorexia, I started to do heroin with the intention of it helping me loose more weight. BAD IDEA! lol.

Just another example of how my eating disorder has totally corrupted my life and lead me down the path of total self destruction. Thankfully, I have been sober now for almost 5 years! =) Now if only I could have a healthy relationship with food, I'd be set!

But anyways, after going to the clinic I stopped at Planet Fitness to re-start my membership. I am stoked! After finishing up this post I am going to hop in the shower and then head off to the gym for a much needed workout! =)

Today is day 5 of the ABC Diet and I am only alotted 100 calories today. So far all I have had is one crystal lite - 5 cals and a few tiny shreds of skinless chicken breast because I started dry heaving and puking after taking my vitamins on an empty stomache lol. So I'm guessing it was only about 20 cals worth, if that.

I will update later tonight on my day and tell the story of how I ended up being a full blown heroin addict and also, luckily, my road to recovery =)

Have a great day everyone! Stay Strong! I love you guys! And even if you don't realize it, each and everyone of you give me such strength and inspiration =)

Thank you for that  ♥

Day 4 Update & Birth Control Rant

So I just got back from Walmart. Stopped there to by some new workout clothes because I've decided to join the gym. Planet Fitness just seems so much more inviting than my dark, creepy dungeon basement lol! I bought  black yoga pants and  black knee length sweat pants with a green clover on the hip and 'good luck' on the butt. They're really cute and since it's almost St Patties Day, I figured I'd sport my Irish Pride haha =) I also got 2 tank tops, one plain black with a built in sports bra and another pink leopard print one with a bra built in. I love my animal prints, sue me. Got some diet coke and crystal lite in pink lemonade, kiwi strawberry and peach mango. Yum, I can't wait to try some, they look so good =)

I also bought a calcium suppliment since I've shrunk well over 2 inches since I was 14 (I'm 23). The years when I should have been growing taller, I was actually shrinking. I blame the birth control shot Depo Provera. I was only on it for about 6 months and in that time I shrunk a whole 1/2 an inch! That may not seem like alot but trust me, it is. At only age 14, (before taking the depo shot) I was almost 5'8" and growing. Since then I have been literally shrinking. Studies of this shot have proven it to cause early onset of Osteoporosis in woman of all ages. According to LawyersandSettlements.com, article link here,

"Depo-Provera contains a powerful variant of the hormone progestosterone which is released through a hypodermic shot every few months. This hormone has been shown to increase the loss of bone density in women of all ages, including teen and young adult women who are in critical stages of natural bone growth. Concerns that the drug causes massive and partially irreversible bone loss in young women have led to a number of lawsuits in the US and three lawsuits in Canada."

I should really probably sue. As it literally ruined my hopes of becoming a model. I was accepted into Barbizon Modeling School and had 2 NY agencies interested but because of my obvious and untimely 'shrinking' I lost all chances to live my dream of being a run way fashion and editorial model. I could have done catalogs and stuff like that but I wasn't interested in that. *sigh* So yea, enough ranting about how my dream failed. Point being .... Depo Provera SUCKS! Don't ever take it!


Anyways, I still need to buy an Iron Suppliment because I am also very anemic. How someone of my weight and how much red meat I like to eat is freakin anemic is beyond me! lol

I've done great today. I haven't eaten anything at all so far and it's now 11:00 pm! =D But I'm getting pretty hungry so I'm probably going to make some roasted broccoli with garlic, EVO, italian seasoning and sea salt and fry up some red pepper with the same mixture. Mmmmm, it's sooo good! Low cal, low fat, freakin so tasty you could die! Seriously, try it sometime, trust me you'll love it =)

PROGRESS! ABC Rocks My Socks! lol

So as always, I woke up ridiculously late today (3pm) and immediately weighed myself. And it read....

drum roll please........

180!

Yay! I hit my first goal weight! Ok, ok, I know 180 is still disgustingly high but I have now lost 5.8 lbs and atleast I am making progress =) You got to start somewhere! And unfortunately for me, that somewhere is at an already ridiculously high weight! But I am making progress none the less. I can already notice a slight difference in my tummy area. It's visibley slimmer. And this is only day 4! I've been saying that I started a day late so it should be day 3 for me but since I only had about 100 cals on Monday and everyone else started on Monday, I am going to go ahead start counting from Monday as well. Anyways back to the subject at hand. After weighing myself and realizing that I have lost almost 6 lbs in 4 days, I started to get really excited! 6 lbs in 4 days! This is obviously working! And if I stick with it through the next 8 weeks I will have lost a drastic amount of weight and be that much closer to UGW of 115!! =D I am so happy right now. I feel uplifted, super motivated and confident that I actually can do this!

Today I've done well. As of this moment, 6:42 pm, I have only had a large cup of coffee with lite coffe mate which is about 30 cals. I am kind of hungry but it's nothing too severe and nothing that I can't handle =} I haven't worked out since, was it Tuesday?, because my calves are freakin killing. But to be honest, I think the reason I am avoiding working out is because the only area where I have enough room and privacy is in the basement. "Okay, so whats the problem with that? You're just making excuses".

The problem with that is that I live in an 100+ year old Victorian house. It was built in the 1870's I believe. The basement is a dirt floor, stone walls, damp, cold and musty. Also the fact that my boyfriends father is pretty much a hoarder in denial, the basement is also home to an array of junk. Cluttered, dirty, falling apart and stacked damn near to the ceiling! Spider and cob webs abound, it is definitely not a place in which I prefer to work out. Last time I worked out down there, I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder, behind my back and feeling totally freaked out! It's the kind of basement where you run up the stairs, certain that someone or rather, something, is chasing you, grabbing at your fleeing heels. Oh and did I mention that this house is also home to documented "Shadow People"? I've seen them. Don't laugh.  I must admitt, that I feel silly talking about this kind of thing and if you don't believe in this type of stuff, that's ok. I, myself didn't either but once you really experiance first hand numerous creepy, completley unexplainable shit like latch lock doors unlocking and opening (to the basement none the less) right in front of your eyes OR seeing shadows on the wall that are walking up behind you while simultaneously hearing heavy foot falls only to turn around and nothing is there OR seeing a darker than black Shadow in the shape of person standing down the hall and staring right at you, trust me, you'd be a believer too! lol!

As of lately, I have been all about saving money. So I thought that instead of paying the measely $10 a month to join Planet Fitness, that I would just use my own equipment to workout with. But the more I think about it, joining the gym seems to be a FANTASTIC idea LOL! =P I really do NOT want to have to go back down into that basement!

Haha ok, ok, enough with the paranormal mumbo jumbo talk....and on with the thinspo!! =)

 Before & After

Congrats on the weightloss to all the wonderful girls who are doing the ABC Diet! You guys rock! Keep up the amazing work! This will all be SO worth it in the end!!

<3 Stay Strong & Think Thin!

Lots of Ana Love!


Comments make me smile and keep me going when I am feeling weak <3

Black & White Thinspo and ABC Update

Day 2 of the ABC and I am doing great so far. =)

Woke up super late (as always lol) around 1:30. I really need to get my schedule on a more normal time. *sighs* Had a large cup of coffee to help soothe hunger pains and I've been fine since then. The coffee mate I use has about 10 cals per teaspoon, coffee I believe is 0 cals so I've only had about 20 to 30 cals today so far =) My current weight is 181.6 so I have lost since yesterday. It was 181.2 this morning so I have gained water weight since waking up. In the last 3 days, I have only lost 4.2 lbs which is much slower progress than I want. I am used to loosing atleast 2 lbs a day, sometimes 3 and up to 5!! So this pound a day shit is frustrating to me. But, I have to remind myself that atleast I am loosing. Even if I loose only 1 lb a day, in 30 days that would mean that I would weigh 155 (by April 10th), down from my starting weight of 185. Sounds great to me but I still have a longgg way to go until I hit my UGW of 115.

UPDATE
12:21 am

INTAKE
Coffee - 30 cals
Sugar Free Gum - 5 cals
Lite Progresso - 120 cals
Cottage Doubles - 100 cals

Total - 255 cals

   Black & White Love