Day 3 Fast

It amazes me how easy it is for me not to eat. I still have not had anything since Saturday. Just green tea with splenda and some coffee in the mornings. I felt like shit yesterday and I thought it was because I haven't eaten but when I woke up this morning I had a sore throat so now I know why I felt so horrible; I was getting sick =/ I need to go get antibiotics and some more diurex. Also, I got my period lastnight so I am getting a double dose of feel like crap.



This blog gets views but no one comments. Boo! Comments make me smile! =) Is the Ed community dead or what? Comment me!! I love meeting other ladies like myself! =)

Fast

Been doing well, extremely well actually, the past few days. I have been eating no more than 400 cals a day and I haven't eaten anything since Saturday night. I have been literally living on green tea lol. I am stuck at like 169.8 and I am trying my HARDEST to make a clean break into the 160's. God that number is so high. I have lost 20 lbs and you can most definitely see the difference in my face, arms, thighs, butt and especially my tummy area. Hip bones and rib bones are slowly starting to become more and more prominent. I have such a long way to go but once I get down to like 160 I will much more happy. I feel better. I dropped 2 pant sizes and my old work clothes (mediums) now fit again. My confidence is making a comeback and I am not constantly tugging at my clothes. Progress, progress, progress...that is all I want. Even though my weight has not really changed the past few days, I can still see some major changes in my body. o.O  I hope when I weigh myself tomorrow morning that I am atleast down to like 166. *crosses fingers*

 

AMAZING!!! Down 20 in 9 Days!!!!

It's official! I am 20 lbs less than I was just 9 days ago!!!!!

*Happy Snoopy Dance*

I don't even know how this is humanly possible

but hey I'll take what I can get!!!!!

 

Loosing is Winning

Any day that I can see rib and hip bones is a good day!

The past several days have gone, to my surprise, rather well. I have been existing on salads, carrots, black grapes and spicy ranch dressing. I have now officially dropped 16 lbs and people are already commenting that I "look thinner". And Winning! Reactions and comments like that make all the hunger and pain worth every second. This is why I do this, because I know it works and it works well. I really wish that I would have taken before pics and measurements to compare to during and after. Yesterday at work I got asked for my number AND then by another guy out on a date!! The date guy has been coming in to my job for months now and I could tell it was leading up to this. I'd lie if I say I wasn't flattered. But I didn't go because I am loyal to my boyfriend, almost to a fault.

Today has been great as far as food goes. I have only had one 100 calorie cottage cheese and fruit pack. And that ladies is it! =) I am getting a tad hungry at this moment but I think I will be fine. I slept so much today and now it's almost 3:00am and I am wide awake. I have work tomorrow from
2-10 pm.




 

Any day that I can see rib and hip bones is a good day!

The past several days have gone, to my surprise, rather well. I have been existing on salads, carrots, black grapes and spicy ranch dressing. I have now officially dropped 16 lbs and people are already commenting that I "look thinner". And Winning! Reactions and comments like that make all the hunger and pain worth every second. This is why I do this, because I know it works and it works well. I really wish that I would have taken before pics and measurements to compare to during and after. Yesterday at work I got asked for my number AND then by another guy out on a date!! The date guy has been coming in to my job for months now and I could tell it was leading up to this. I'd lie if I say I wasn't flattered. But I didn't go because I am loyal to my boyfriend, almost to a fault.

Today has been great as far as food goes. I have only had one 100 calorie cottage cheese and fruit pack. And that ladies is it! =) I am getting a tad hungry at this moment but I think I will be fine. I slept so much today and now it's almost 3:00am and I am wide awake. I have work tomorrow from
2-10 pm.

Yesterday was ok. Around 2:00 pm I ate a small garden salad with ranch and a fiber one bar. Went grocery shopping and spent like $115 on progresso soups, pre packaged salad bowls for work, LOTS of veggies, chobani, diuretics and iron pills because I have a pretty severe case of iron deficient anemia. I ate another salad with southwest dressing around 11:00 that I shared with my boyfriend Greg. Calorie intake was probably somewhere around 600 to 800 which isn't too bad, nothing spectacular but nothing terrible either. Just got home from the clinic, I am now down to 24 mgs from 130 mgs. During the week I only take around 20mgs though except for when I have to go dose, like today. Methadone is a major contributor to my weight gain. Every chick at the clinic walks in all skinny in the beginning and 6 months later you see them and they've put on about 30lbs! I am hoping that when I am completely dosed off that I will start losing more weight. Hopefully.

Now I am sitting here drinking my coffee and slowly eating a chobani (130).  I am going to play Rift, yes I am total gamer dork =P lol and then around 1:00pm start getting ready for work. I am bringing one of my pre-made southwest/sante fe salads to works and maybe another chobani. I am only bringing money for cigs so even if I wanted to buy food, I can't. =)

Hope all of you have a good day.

Back to the Basics

It's been a little over a year since I have posted in this blog. Little has changed. I am a walking contradiction that is EDNOS. The past year has been spent overeating, bingeing, purging, starving. My weight has fluctuated a good 20 lbs the past year, up then down and up again. It seems that I am every eating disorder wrapped into one fat, miserable body, unsure of who I am but certain of what I want to be. I find odd how I am always called back to this. This blog, this lifestyle, this illness that is Her. It's something always in the back of mind, something omnipresent, omnipotent and inescapable.


I need to go to the grocery store later and restock my supplies

Progresso
Coffee
Diet Coke
Green Tea
Carrots
Tomatoes
Fat Free Ranch
Fat Free Ranch Dip
Edamame
Broccoli
Asparagus
Garlic
EVO
Sea Salt

And lets be real here, I know one of these times I will binge and purge. It's just what I do. I don't want to plan a bp but I want to know some foods that come up easily? If and when I do, I want the easiest foods to come up so I know I can get it all out.

So far today I have had a garden salad with ranch. I have already lost close to 10 lbs this week. And I haven't even been working out. I wonder why I can loose AND gain so much within such a short time span?? I am also trying not to weigh myself everyday. Ideally, I would like to weigh myself just once per week but I have been doing it every other day.

ABC Day 10

So today was better than I had thought it would be. Once you binge, it's really easy to just continue to do so and say fuck it. I struggled with that today but thank god, I didn't give in. ABC Day 10 was supposed to be a fast however, I did not fast today. I had about 300 to 350 cals which isn't that bad really. I was really scared to eat anything today because I was getting occasional stomache cramping from the laxatives I took lastnight and didn't want to make them any worse. I've really, really, REALLY been craving sushi the past 4 days but I am going to wait until I hit my 3rd GW and then treat myself  =)

I was sitting here today thinking about my progress so far and how far I have to go yet. But I realized that I am 6lbs away from the 160's, which is the something I haven't weighed in over 3 years!! So I am stoked! Then after that, the 150's?! I cannot frickin wait!! I can already tell a difference so I can only imagine how I will feel once Im down another 15lbs. Last June I was 191 lbs! So I am hoping by this June which is about 70 days from today, I will atleast be down into the 140's =) And then the 130s!! OMG I cant freaking wait!!!!! lol!!

Back to Bones

Phew. So lastnight was a rough one! Took 2 laxies early yesterday afternoon. Worried 2 weren't going to work, I took a 3rd lastnight. Well, it worked alright. I woke up at around 3 am with a serious grumbly in my tumbly lol. Because I take methadone, I am also really constipated. I've actually been to the hospital 5 times now over it and the excruciating stomache cramps that come along every few months when my digestive tract has had enough! The doctor had lovely way of putting it...."Wow, you are really packed there girl." Packed? No shit! (no pun intended ofcourse) So, ofcourse taking laxitives, for me, turned into an alllll night long event. All night, running back and forth between the cold hard bathroom where my stomache commanded me to be and the soft warm solace of my bed, where my body urned to sleep away the terrible cramping in between the "sessions" lol. HORRIBLE! Now I remember why I havent taken those damn things in almost 5 years! lol! Howeverrrr, I did loose weight from this whole, um, excursion. Nothing big. Nothing impressive. But atleast I am back down to 176.6, the weight I was when I decided to stuff my gullet with stromboli the other day.

Thankfully, the cramping has ceased but the fear of them returning is what is keeping me strong today.

I will give an update a little later. I'm gonna go watch some tv or something. <3 Stay Strong Loves <3

Everyone has bad days, right?

So yesterday ended up going to complete SHIT! Instead of being a good little girl and going to the gym, I ended up having a completely planned binge!! UGH! So now I feel like total shit about myself. I am bloated as hell. Also, being on methadone, I am constantly constipated. Gross, I know, but hey this is my blog afterall lol. So I went out and got some laxatives today. I'm also thinking of doing an enema. Grossness again, sorry haha. I just feel some frickin fat and bloated!! Haven't eaten anything so far today. i still feel so full from yesterdays binge. UGH!

I'm kinda in a hurry so this is going to be short, again. My dear little betta fish has dropsy so I am leaving ina few minutes to go get her some meds. Hope she doesn't die =/ I may or may not go to the gym today. Probably not if I take the laxies.

The Devil Inside

ABC Day 8 Week 2

Stopped by the gym yesterday for a bit before they closed. Did some weight training on my legs. Hip abduction and adduction I believe is what is was called. Also did the Stepper (idk what it's called) for 30 minutes. Burnt 245 cals and went a little over 2 miles. I could have done more but they were closing. I have to get a shower and figure out what I am going to wear then I am off to the gym again =) I really hate running into people I know there. It's embarassing.

I ate more than I should have yesterday. The progressive soup which I posted about but then I also ate a 100 cal fruit and cottage cheese pack before going to the gym. I was trying to get rid of the light headedness. Then later on at night I ate some roasted broccoli with fresh garlic, sea salt, evo and italian seasoning. I love my veggies like that. The broccoli raw weighed about 2lbs and my boyfriend and I split it. I know a normal person would not feel guilty about eating that but I did and still do. I didn't gain from it but I also did not loose anything since yesterday either =/ So I am hoping that by going to the gym and not eating much today I will hit my 2nd GW by tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!

How is everyone else doing? Am I the only one still doing the ABC =/

Thinspire Me Baby

ABC Day 7 & Minus 3 lbs!

Quick post before I head off to the gym. Weighed myself today and I've lost 3 more lbs!! Which brings my current weight to  177 =) Still high as hell but I am 2 lbs away from my 2nd GW! My BMI is also now down into the overweight range instead of obese. Progress, progress, progess! However, slow it may be =) Ate some Progressive soup which was 200 cals for the whole can but I only ate (not hate as i accidentially wrote earlier lol) the carrots and celery and some broth and gave the rest to my boyfriend lol. So 65 cals maybe? Idk. I just wanted enough to keep my from being light headed and possibly passing out at the gym. I am so scared of that! I'd be so freakin embarassed!!

Running On Empty but Still Going Strong

ABC Day 6

So I never gave an update yesteday because my medicine throws me for a loop on Fridays lol. I did however manage to got to the gym as planned. I dont know if it's from taking the full dose of methadone yesterday, getting barely any calories (energy) for the past 6 days, from bicycling 11 miles and running a mile yesterday, or all of the above but today I feel like SHIT!!! I feel weak as hell. I can barely lift my arms, I am light headed and I can barely stand up! I ate one scrambled egg today and had some coffee but I am still feeling very fatigued.

I weighed in at 179.4 today which is fucking frustrating! i just want to stuff my face with a whoel tub of chocolate ice cream and then bring it all back up but I DO NOT want to resort to that! I can't. Maybe once I have  hit my 2nd or 3rd goal weight I will reward myself with a bp (how sick is that? lol) but not now. I haven't made enough progess to slip back into my binge eating habits. That is what got me to this disgustingly high weight in the first place!!

I had planned to go to the gym again today but my body just won't allow it. I am affraid of passing out at the gym which would be be really embarassing! Hopefully tomorrow I will feel up to it. Not sure what else to say exceot for I feel like death.

Hope the rest of you are having a better day than I am haha

Gyms and Drugs

Just got home from running around. On Fridays I go to the methadone clinic to get my take homes for the week. Methadone is a medicine given to opiate addicted people to help them first a) get clean and sober and b) provide long term medicinal maintenance for long term sobriety. So with that being said, it goes without saying that I used to be a heroin addict. (Thanks to my obsession with the 90's heroin chic craze made famous by the likes of Miss Kate Moss, my masochistic need to punish myself and my very unhealthy obsession with complete self destruction.)

But that's a very long and entirely different story worthy of it's very own post. Which I will probably do later tonight. So long story short, at the age of 15 and when I was my full blown grips of Anorexia, I started to do heroin with the intention of it helping me loose more weight. BAD IDEA! lol.

Just another example of how my eating disorder has totally corrupted my life and lead me down the path of total self destruction. Thankfully, I have been sober now for almost 5 years! =) Now if only I could have a healthy relationship with food, I'd be set!

But anyways, after going to the clinic I stopped at Planet Fitness to re-start my membership. I am stoked! After finishing up this post I am going to hop in the shower and then head off to the gym for a much needed workout! =)

Today is day 5 of the ABC Diet and I am only alotted 100 calories today. So far all I have had is one crystal lite - 5 cals and a few tiny shreds of skinless chicken breast because I started dry heaving and puking after taking my vitamins on an empty stomache lol. So I'm guessing it was only about 20 cals worth, if that.

I will update later tonight on my day and tell the story of how I ended up being a full blown heroin addict and also, luckily, my road to recovery =)

Have a great day everyone! Stay Strong! I love you guys! And even if you don't realize it, each and everyone of you give me such strength and inspiration =)

Thank you for that  ♥

Day 4 Update & Birth Control Rant

So I just got back from Walmart. Stopped there to by some new workout clothes because I've decided to join the gym. Planet Fitness just seems so much more inviting than my dark, creepy dungeon basement lol! I bought  black yoga pants and  black knee length sweat pants with a green clover on the hip and 'good luck' on the butt. They're really cute and since it's almost St Patties Day, I figured I'd sport my Irish Pride haha =) I also got 2 tank tops, one plain black with a built in sports bra and another pink leopard print one with a bra built in. I love my animal prints, sue me. Got some diet coke and crystal lite in pink lemonade, kiwi strawberry and peach mango. Yum, I can't wait to try some, they look so good =)

I also bought a calcium suppliment since I've shrunk well over 2 inches since I was 14 (I'm 23). The years when I should have been growing taller, I was actually shrinking. I blame the birth control shot Depo Provera. I was only on it for about 6 months and in that time I shrunk a whole 1/2 an inch! That may not seem like alot but trust me, it is. At only age 14, (before taking the depo shot) I was almost 5'8" and growing. Since then I have been literally shrinking. Studies of this shot have proven it to cause early onset of Osteoporosis in woman of all ages. According to LawyersandSettlements.com, article link here,

"Depo-Provera contains a powerful variant of the hormone progestosterone which is released through a hypodermic shot every few months. This hormone has been shown to increase the loss of bone density in women of all ages, including teen and young adult women who are in critical stages of natural bone growth. Concerns that the drug causes massive and partially irreversible bone loss in young women have led to a number of lawsuits in the US and three lawsuits in Canada."

I should really probably sue. As it literally ruined my hopes of becoming a model. I was accepted into Barbizon Modeling School and had 2 NY agencies interested but because of my obvious and untimely 'shrinking' I lost all chances to live my dream of being a run way fashion and editorial model. I could have done catalogs and stuff like that but I wasn't interested in that. *sigh* So yea, enough ranting about how my dream failed. Point being .... Depo Provera SUCKS! Don't ever take it!


Anyways, I still need to buy an Iron Suppliment because I am also very anemic. How someone of my weight and how much red meat I like to eat is freakin anemic is beyond me! lol

I've done great today. I haven't eaten anything at all so far and it's now 11:00 pm! =D But I'm getting pretty hungry so I'm probably going to make some roasted broccoli with garlic, EVO, italian seasoning and sea salt and fry up some red pepper with the same mixture. Mmmmm, it's sooo good! Low cal, low fat, freakin so tasty you could die! Seriously, try it sometime, trust me you'll love it =)

PROGRESS! ABC Rocks My Socks! lol

So as always, I woke up ridiculously late today (3pm) and immediately weighed myself. And it read....

drum roll please........

180!

Yay! I hit my first goal weight! Ok, ok, I know 180 is still disgustingly high but I have now lost 5.8 lbs and atleast I am making progress =) You got to start somewhere! And unfortunately for me, that somewhere is at an already ridiculously high weight! But I am making progress none the less. I can already notice a slight difference in my tummy area. It's visibley slimmer. And this is only day 4! I've been saying that I started a day late so it should be day 3 for me but since I only had about 100 cals on Monday and everyone else started on Monday, I am going to go ahead start counting from Monday as well. Anyways back to the subject at hand. After weighing myself and realizing that I have lost almost 6 lbs in 4 days, I started to get really excited! 6 lbs in 4 days! This is obviously working! And if I stick with it through the next 8 weeks I will have lost a drastic amount of weight and be that much closer to UGW of 115!! =D I am so happy right now. I feel uplifted, super motivated and confident that I actually can do this!

Today I've done well. As of this moment, 6:42 pm, I have only had a large cup of coffee with lite coffe mate which is about 30 cals. I am kind of hungry but it's nothing too severe and nothing that I can't handle =} I haven't worked out since, was it Tuesday?, because my calves are freakin killing. But to be honest, I think the reason I am avoiding working out is because the only area where I have enough room and privacy is in the basement. "Okay, so whats the problem with that? You're just making excuses".

The problem with that is that I live in an 100+ year old Victorian house. It was built in the 1870's I believe. The basement is a dirt floor, stone walls, damp, cold and musty. Also the fact that my boyfriends father is pretty much a hoarder in denial, the basement is also home to an array of junk. Cluttered, dirty, falling apart and stacked damn near to the ceiling! Spider and cob webs abound, it is definitely not a place in which I prefer to work out. Last time I worked out down there, I found myself constantly looking over my shoulder, behind my back and feeling totally freaked out! It's the kind of basement where you run up the stairs, certain that someone or rather, something, is chasing you, grabbing at your fleeing heels. Oh and did I mention that this house is also home to documented "Shadow People"? I've seen them. Don't laugh.  I must admitt, that I feel silly talking about this kind of thing and if you don't believe in this type of stuff, that's ok. I, myself didn't either but once you really experiance first hand numerous creepy, completley unexplainable shit like latch lock doors unlocking and opening (to the basement none the less) right in front of your eyes OR seeing shadows on the wall that are walking up behind you while simultaneously hearing heavy foot falls only to turn around and nothing is there OR seeing a darker than black Shadow in the shape of person standing down the hall and staring right at you, trust me, you'd be a believer too! lol!

As of lately, I have been all about saving money. So I thought that instead of paying the measely $10 a month to join Planet Fitness, that I would just use my own equipment to workout with. But the more I think about it, joining the gym seems to be a FANTASTIC idea LOL! =P I really do NOT want to have to go back down into that basement!

Haha ok, ok, enough with the paranormal mumbo jumbo talk....and on with the thinspo!! =)

 Before & After

Congrats on the weightloss to all the wonderful girls who are doing the ABC Diet! You guys rock! Keep up the amazing work! This will all be SO worth it in the end!!

<3 Stay Strong & Think Thin!

Lots of Ana Love!


Comments make me smile and keep me going when I am feeling weak <3

Black & White Thinspo and ABC Update

Day 2 of the ABC and I am doing great so far. =)

Woke up super late (as always lol) around 1:30. I really need to get my schedule on a more normal time. *sighs* Had a large cup of coffee to help soothe hunger pains and I've been fine since then. The coffee mate I use has about 10 cals per teaspoon, coffee I believe is 0 cals so I've only had about 20 to 30 cals today so far =) My current weight is 181.6 so I have lost since yesterday. It was 181.2 this morning so I have gained water weight since waking up. In the last 3 days, I have only lost 4.2 lbs which is much slower progress than I want. I am used to loosing atleast 2 lbs a day, sometimes 3 and up to 5!! So this pound a day shit is frustrating to me. But, I have to remind myself that atleast I am loosing. Even if I loose only 1 lb a day, in 30 days that would mean that I would weigh 155 (by April 10th), down from my starting weight of 185. Sounds great to me but I still have a longgg way to go until I hit my UGW of 115.

UPDATE
12:21 am

INTAKE
Coffee - 30 cals
Sugar Free Gum - 5 cals
Lite Progresso - 120 cals
Cottage Doubles - 100 cals

Total - 255 cals

   Black & White Love